


I Died So I Could Haunt You

by scottie994



Category: Bleach
Genre: Angst and Humor, F/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-07-17
Updated: 2016-07-13
Packaged: 2017-12-20 10:51:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 15,634
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/886394
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scottie994/pseuds/scottie994
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He never truly let her go. Not really. And now by some twisted fate she was back in his life, making it certain that he wouldn't.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. karma smiles

  _I'm the devil on your shoulder_

_I'm the conscious in your mind_

 

**Present**

 

Hitsugaya could feel the sweat running down his back, a scowl twisting his features as the mugginess from outside sweltered through the building walls and effectively perspired every inch of his skin, leaving him sticky and uncomfortable within the auditorium confines. He'd been chosen by Kyoraku to conduct a sort of 'meeting of the minds' with this year's Shin'O Academy graduates, more commonly referred to as a final dictation of rules and regulations to the next generation of shinigami, who were set to separate and join the ranks the following day.

He easily ignored all the envious glares of his future frenemies and the infatuated stares of his future fans, refraining from making any true or direct eye contact whilst he drawled on through the usual speech, making it almost too obvious that he didn't want to be there. He had other–better–things to do with his time, like fill-out paperwork and train his squadron and scold his lieutenant and above all to sit within the serene boundaries of his air-conditioned living quarters, away from the heat and the people. And if not for his head-taichou's absolute insistence that he attend this damned pre-graduation rite, he would be doing just that.

He was so eager to get it done and over with that he didn't even notice the pair of hardened obsidian eyes that stared at him, too many emotions swimming in their dark depths.

.

.

.

There were few questions at the end, much to Toushiro's relief. He departed with an uncommon air of self-importance, leaving the head of the academy and an assisting shinigami officer to hand out the standard reaper uniform, the black shihakusho being what the graduates presented themselves in at the official ceremony.

Stepping outside after what felt like ages, the fair-haired man exhaled slowly, feeling a sort of alleviation despite the blaring sun. Maybe now his day could be a bit more bearable.

"I have a question." The words were sudden and startling, said from behind him in an impossibly familiar voice and causing his once again collected demeanor to crash in a comical fashion. "Could you have been _more_ excruciatingly _boring?_ Or was it just me?"

Pivoting around to regard who he'd hoped it wasn't, Hitsugaya visibly stiffened. Clad in the red and white academy uniform, arms folded over her chest and that damned sly smirk on her face, she leaned against the building. Too casual, too amused.

"Hey Toushiro," she addressed coolly, pushing gracefully off the wall as she approached him, dark eyes gleaming with unreadable intent. "Long time no see."

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lyrics: Reckless – You Me At Six


	2. watching, waiting

_oh, you capture my attention_

_carefully listening, don't wanna miss a thing_

 

**Past**

 

"This is going to be _so_ much fun!" Rangiku exclaimed, the skirt of her living world attire flapping about her thighs as she skipped around. "I'm so glad you decided to come, Taichou!"

"I only came to make sure you made it back on time," Hitsugaya reasoned bluntly, eyes never straying from the screen of his phone. "So please, Matsumoto, make my job easy and don't drink yourself stupid."

"Will do, Taichou!"

There was no determination whatsoever to heed his request, he knew, but then he hadn't expected anything more.

"Ah, Hitsugaya! Rangiku!" Urahara accosted jovially. "So glad you could make it~"

"Well of course!" The strawberry blonde chirped. "We would've gotten here sooner, too, but grumpy pants over there just _had_ to finish his work first."

"I'm warning you, Matsumoto, call me that one more time–"

"Toushiro~!" An all too familiar voice greeted, rather airily, and he was soon lifted into the air by none other than his former captain. "What a pleasure it is to see you again!" An unimpressed scowl etched onto the younger man's features as he was practically shook. "You should really visit more often!"

"He's not going to visit you ever again if that's how you intend to welcome him, goat-chin," an unimpressed voice drawled, causing Toushiro's attention to instantly snap to it's source, appearing in the form of a petite teenage girl of whom he was unfamiliarized.

"Oh, Karin, don't be silly! He likes it, it's fun~!"

What was he, five?

Toushiro rolled his eyes, and to his relief was put down within the moment. He immediately went about smoothing out his clothes, scowl unmitigated, whilst Isshin ushered the girl and her honey-blonde companion closer.

"Karin, Yuzu, I'd like to introduce you to Hitsugaya Toushiro," he gestured from the two girls to the seemingly young man. "He was my third seat back in the day."

"Oh!" Yuzu exclaimed, clasping her hands together. "That's so cool!"

"Hey, nice to meet you." Karin acknowledged with a nod, her tone none too dainty. He merely grunted in response, and she smirked, not unkindly but not too friendly either. "Well, aren't you delightful."

Toushiro raised a brow, his frown unyielding even as the girl suddenly disregarded his existence and proceeded towards the small and dingy building that was the Urahara Shoten. "Come on, Yuzu," she goaded, now enthused. "I have an arm-wrestling rematch with Renji."

.

.

.

He'd seeked refuge not long after, away from the party of drunken soul reapers and his lieutenant's rambunctious reminiscing with their ex-captain, in the open solace of the roof where he now gazed impassively up at the night sky, unwittingly tracing pictures in the stars.

"Hey."

Broken from his stargazing reverie, Hitsugaya regarded the girl from earlier as she sat down next to him. "Hey," he returned flatly.

" _Oh_ , a syllable," she mocked with a chuckle, long black hair cascading past her shoulders as she leaned back on her hands, actively ignoring his scowl. "Whatcha doin' up here?"

He didn't respond, simply resuming staring blankly at the sky, and Karin rolled her eyes, joining him in the act. Though even the dazzle of the stars couldn't keep her quiet. "You know, your friend explained that you had quite a misgiving to parties, but I didn't think you'd be so inconsiderate as to just _leave_."

He scoffed quietly. "And I didn't think you'd be so ill mannered as to follow me up here just to bother me. Yet, here we are."

She just grinned, unscathed. "Touche."

"What's it matter to you whether I stick around or not, anyway?"

"It doesn't," she admitted easily. He looked at her then, his gaze questioning. She gave nothing away, though, her eyes unreadable and matching her faintly coy response. "You're just fun to annoy."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lyrics: Toes – Lights


	3. on the words of your friends

 

  _I'll move the knife to show you of my cut_

_with the worst of truth from here I drew no blood_

 

**Present**

 

"Well?" Karin goaded, raising a thin dark brow. "Are you just gonna stand there like an idiot, or are you gonna say something?"

"Karin…" He found his voice once again, despite the suffocating remorse and self-antipathy erupting in his chest. "What… what are you doing here?"

The look she gave him made him feel like one of those reality show people she used to yell at while they watched TV. Irrevocably stupid.

"I'm _dead_ , Toushiro." Her tone was as blunt as could be, but the twinkle in her eye shone amusement. She'd always loved when he lost his poise, on rarity. "Man, did you lose some brain cells over the past four years or what?"

Regardless of his inner turmoil, he scowled. "Exactly, _four_ years. It takes six to complete the academy's curriculum, so how is it that you're already graduating?"

"Your questions aren't getting any more intelligent," she mocked, fueling his agitation. "It's called being a genius and finishing school in three years." Somehow, this declaration was far from surprising, as it was in her blood to override the customs. And apparently, to be smug about it. "I mean, it's not one upping _you_ , but it's rather remarkable, if I do say so myself."

"The perks of dying."

She parted her lips for a retort, her gaze dimming angrily, but she forcibly swallowed it, drawing back as students began emerging from the building, anticipation of their impending graduation palpable.

"There you are, Karin!" A bubbly blonde girl accosted, beaming brightly as she weaved out of the crowd, a bundle of parchment and black clothes in her arms. "Man, was that guy hot or wha–"

The girl's overly peppy voice hitched abruptly once she took note of Hitsugaya, the guy she was just about to praise with less than appropriate terms, her pale cheeks flushing like roses in a fast bloom. "H-hitsugaya taichou! Hi!"

He paid her little mind, not even bothering to nod or grunt in acknowledgement, his vivid eyes never straying from _hers._

"Oh, I'm sorry! Am I…" Awkwardly, the girl's silver eyes darted from Toushiro to Karin, becoming rapidly curious. "Interrupting something?

"Nope," Karin denied, not missing a beat. "Just catching up with an old friend."

Finally tearing her gaze from Toushiros and allowing him to breathe easily again, she cast her friend a grin. "Come on, Misa, let's get outta here. I'm starving."

Still with her enlarged eyes of curiosity, Misa nodded, casting the white-haired captain a meek smile before continuing out of the courtyard with the rest of the students.

Following along after her friend, Karin shot him one last look. "Nice seein' you, Toushi'."

Stilled on the spot, Hitsugaya watched her disappear around the campus gate, only vaguely hearing her friend's frantic whispers and inquiries about their relationship. Then, once completely out of view, he bolted.

.

.

.

By way of excessive sprinting and shunpo, Toushiro arrived at his office in just minutes, feeling a false sense of reprieve as he sat at his desk, chest heaving.

Sitting up straight soon after, he attempted to compose himself, his hand reflexively picking up his pen and dipping it in the inkpot on his desk, making a quick start on his paperwork. To indulge in the distraction as he so often did like it was some sort of drug.

However, when he went for the commonly abundant stack of documents, he found nothing but the flat wooden surface of his desk, eyes widening a fraction in both astonishment and confusion.

"Taichou!" Rangiku greeted not a second later as she entered the room, light-hearted as ever. "How'd it go today?"

"Where's all the paperwork?"

"What d'you mean?" The strawberry blonde furrowed her brow. "It's all finished, Taichou. I did it while you were gone."

She never failed to surprise him.

"Uh," he ran an erratic hand through his hair, mind racing as his eyes darted around, desperate for something to do. Only a short moment passed before he grabbed his zanpakuto off the back of his chair, making to hinge it to his back once again. "I'll just go overlook the training, then–"

"The guys have been training all day," Rangiku cut in. "They've already retired for the night, now."

He looked as though he'd just been stabbed, an almost groan getting stuck at the base of his throat. It felt as if the air had stilled, over filling his lungs and suffocating his core.

"Taichou? Are you okay?"

No, he wasn't okay. He didn't even know how to feel, the shock of seeing _her_ still vibrating through his veins, his knuckles curling and cracking harshly at the notion that after _everything_ she'd just _died,_ not even six goddamn months later. It made him sick.

He caught his lieutenant's sympathetic expression then, her remorseful frown and her knowing gaze, and it suddenly clicked. Why Kyoraku had been so adamant at that morning's captain meeting for him to go over there today, why out of all the days this was the one that Matsumoto decided to do all her work, and even his work, just like she was always capable of doing but just chose not to. As if to alleviate any stress. As if to take away his means of avoidance.

Toushiro practically seethed at the realization. "You knew, didn't you?"

Her expression didn't change, the unhesitant parting of her lips more of a confirmation than the words that would've followed. He spared her nothing but a betrayed glare, cerulean eyes burning with long fended off emotions as he stalked out of the room, disregarding her apologies as they echoed down the hallway.

.

.

.

He'd been wandering aimlessly, time and people passing him by without recognition. His calmer disposition had returned to him as the hours passed, but there was a relentless tinge of anguish attached to every step he took, impossible to shake. All evening he'd wondered why no one ever told him. How, after all this time, it'd never occurred to any of her family or his supposed friends to tell him what happened. It pissed him off to no end, that he'd just been overlooked as though they'd never even met.

It was on his way back to the tenth's barracks later that night that such queries were diminished, when he caught sight of her once again, her radiant smile ever present as she latched onto the back of her unmistakable brother, a bottle of sake in her grasp as they spun around a bonfire in evident celebration. Rukia and Renji and others he couldn't quite recognize from the distance sat around on logs and grass, a jovial air about them all. An air of obvious and long since nurtured acceptance.

And as Toushiro lingered, unnoticed and wistful while he gazed at his estranged friend, the vast space between them a token to the scattered and broken remains of their relationship, it hit him, piercing truth and reply into his chest.

He hadn't deserved to know.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lyrics: The Lying Lies and Dirty Secrets of Miss Erica Court – Coheed and Cambria


	4. mindless comfort

_I'm careful but not sure how it goes_

_you can lose yourself in your courage_

 

**Past**

 

"Well, this is boring." Karin drawled, breaking a miraculous twenty minute record of silence.

Toushiro remained detached. "Feel free to leave, then."

"Okay," she said all too happily, turning her full attention onto him. "But only if you come with me."

"And go where, exactly?"

She shrugged, smoothing out her clothes as she stood. "Anywhere but here…" She cast him a grin not a moment later, her rapid train of thought having made it's round. "I know, let's go get ice cream."

He wasted no time in shutting her down. "I don't care for ice cream."

"You don't like ice cream?" Karin pressed incredulously, forehead creasing at his curt nod of response. "What the hell's the matter with you?"

" _You_ at the moment."

She merely chuckled. "Oh, come on." Grabbing his hand, she pulled him to his feet and began leading him off the rooftop. "Stop being such a loser and live a little."

It'd be easy enough to yank his hand away, shoot her a glare and return to his previous spot. Hell, he could even pop out this damned gigai and turn her into an ice cube. Yet, he didn't. He just allowed himself to be dragged along by this infuriating girl, the reasons why, he couldn't quite place.

.

.

.

Out of his peripheral, he saw her smirk, her smug and victorious smirk, and he tried, really strained, to keep his scowl intact as he consumed this forced-upon-him ice cream cone, the flavour being 'death by chocolate', upon her insistence.

He couldn't deny that it tasted good. _Wonderful,_ even. It was like his first time having amanatto, but better, and he soon found himself wanting another cone, especially when his current one suddenly disappeared from his life, leaving him rather wistful.

He had a near-irresistible urge to dart back to the parlour, just around the block, and order seconds.

He didn't, though, simply wiping his mouth with his sleeve and stuffing his hands in his pockets, unwilling to let her know he'd actually enjoyed the god forsaken treat. So, with his slightly forced indifference and her jovial muteness, courtesy of the ice-cream preoccupying her mouth, they walked in silence. And oddly, he found himself enjoying it.

If only for a little while.

"Alright, this is me." It was only at her announcement that Toushiro realized he'd been unwittingly steered in an opposing direction of the Urahara Shoten, and now stood on the outskirt of a half-clinic half-home based property, immediately deeming it the Kurosaki residence from memory.

He cocked a brow at her. "Not going back to the party?"

"Nah…" She shook her head with a slight quirk of her lips, leaning back against the cement fence. "I'm kinda tired. Climbing up on that roof and dealing with your grumpy ass took a lot out of me." He barely resisted a smirk. "Could you let my dad and Yuzu know I came home, for me?"

"I think I can manage."

"Never cease to amaze," she remarked, her eyes gleaming with subtlety as she straightened up, planting herself just inches before him. "Well, this was quite a fun night, Toushiro."

He made no try at a comment, eyeing her intently whilst refraining, unfathomably, from correcting her informalities with regards to his name.

"I mean, stargazing and ice cream, ending with a nice long walk through the night," she feigned a dreamy-esque tone, channeling her inner shoujo manga protagonist. "It was rather romantic, don't you think?"

The lightest scoff escaped him. "If you're referring to being dragged around town by a puny nuisance such as yourself, then yes, quite romantic indeed."

"Oh, come on Toushi'," she jibed, features twisting too cutely for his liking. "There's no harm in having some fun once in awhile."

"First, don't call me 'Toushi'. _And,_ I do have fun."

"Uh huh…" She raised her brows with a nod, no ounce of belief in her expression. "You know, I bet you're one of those guys that just sits around doing paperwork and barking out orders all day."

In the beam of streetlights, Karin caught the meager contortion of his face, and her eyes immediately broadened with amusement. "Oh my god, you _are_ aren't you?!"

His scowl deepened. "Didn't you say you were _tired?"_

"Oh, I'm _never_ too tired for this." He elicited a quiet groan at the back of his throat, frown unwavering while she just continued to smile that entrancing smile of hers. "But you're right, I should get to bed. I have a job of my own to go to in the morning."

It was annoyingly captivating, the way she spoke.

"I am gonna miss you, though," she added in lieu of his silence, her voice ringing sincerity. "So," if it were possible, her smile widened, "Don't be a stranger."

There was an evasive undertone to her final words that had the gears of his mind turning, working to decipher something that may not even be there, and with a chuckle, as if she had perceived his uneasiness, she stood on the tips of her toes to plant an out of the blue kiss on his cheek, evoking a chain of obscure emotions.

"Night." She spoke as if telling a secret, sending a tingle down his neck and through his spine as she drew back, sparing him the briefest of glances before turning on her heel and retreating from him, skipping lightly and gracefully up the path to her door.

He watched her go, with a flutter in his chest and a conflicted grimace on his face, all the while wondering how best to describe her. Eventually, one word came to mind.

Fickle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lyrics: For Me This Is Heaven – Jimmy Eat World


	5. high and dry

_drying up in conversation_

_you will be the one who cannot talk_

 

Present

 

To say he'd been off-track that week would have been a vast distortion of reality. Sure, he managed all the day to day functions just as any other, but there was an undeniable strain beneath his composure, his livelihood in shambles.

His thoughts would constantly drift to _her,_ images and memories ever flowing through his mind on a short-circuit train of nostalgia that never seemed to stop, running for days on end. It was bothersome and painstakingly vivid, crushing him with the weight of his mistakes.

An evening came several days in, when he couldn't handle the drunken antics of Matsumoto and Hisagi but felt it too early to retire to his personal quarters, that he ventured to the best source of solitude he knew of in all Seireitei, with the best view and the best breeze. Perhaps there he could sort out his tribulations, ease his mind, and moreover, subside the nagging ache in his chest, instead of just avoiding it all like he'd done before.

It all proved to be wishful thinking, however, once he'd arrived at the top of Sokyoku Hill and noted the source of his troubles sitting in his exact spot at the very edge, a relaxed nature about her as she leaned back on her hands, long black hair blowing nicely in the light wind. Even as he'd constantly thought about it, he still wasn't quite used to the idea of her actually being here, a now permanent fixture in his world. The feeling that rippled through him as he looked at her was reminiscent of how he felt just a week before, when she had reentered his life without warning and tore down his veil of peace with no more than artful speech and a coy smile, just like the night they'd met. It was off-putting.

There was a part of him that wanted to approach her, talk to her, ask all those questions that had been spurting like daisies in the springtime. But he hesitated, grounded where he stood, trying to resist the urge lest he just be rubbing salt in the wound.

He could just leave, Toushiro decided. Not engage and hope to never see her again, despite the odds of having seen her three times now in the past week. It was the most appealing idea, in his current state of mind.

But then, she had to go and tug on that imaginative rope she'd tied around him.

"Are you planning to just stare at me all night?"

Having been stilled on the spot for an indefinite extent of time, Hitsugaya nearly staggered at the sudden address, exhaling a breath he hadn't known he was holding. Clearing his throat, he played an outward projection of coolness, taking up place beside her leisurely and folding his arms atop his knees. An only partially civil air erupted around them as he settled, misgivings blotching the serene atmosphere.

"Suppose I'm just surprised to see you here," Toushiro reasoned easily.

Karin's lips quirked faintly, her eyes trained on the orange-pink horizon before them. "You know I've always had a thing for sunsets. And what better place to watch one?"

"Right. How could I forget."

"Only to be consistent," she replied, bitter.

He looked at her then, gaze hardened and dejected. "There's nothing I don't remember, Karin."

She grimaced slightly, the twisting of her expression not going unnoticed. Yet, there was no retort, no witty remark. Just a shift to her form and a bite of her lower lip, ensuing silence.

Well, that was a first.

He fostered the serenity that followed, daunting as it might've been. He ignored the painful silence best he could, drowning it within the cloak of deja vu encompassing him and swallowing all the words that tried to creep their way up his throat, until the last traces of the sun were enveloped by the night and there was no longer any reason to stay. At least, according to her.

Shifting to get up, Karin stirred a panic within him, words of his most crucial inquiry blurting out of his mouth before he could think to help it.

"How did it happen?"

Freezing in the midst of her departure, Karin cast him a look, more taken aback than quizzical. "Excuse me?"

"Your death." He couldn't have been more blunt. But then he'd probably find a way nonetheless. "How'd it happen?"

She just stared at him, her muteness ringing defiance; refrain from answering. His agitation piqued.

"Why?" His tone was a bit more demanding, tactics changing as he shifted to meet her guarded stare through the near-darkness. "Was it a Hollow, suicide, what?"

His arrogance was truly remarkable, she mused, barely stifling a scoff. "You really wanna know?" A bitter smirk played her lips, the telling look in her dark eyes thankfully camouflaged by the night. Leaning only inches in, she whispered in his ear like she'd done so many times before, all true playfulness stripped away. "Maybe I just missed you."

His heart lurched in his chest, lips parting in correlation to his widening blue eyes as he strained against her presence, her mouth grazing his neck ever so lightly. Then, in an unfelt instance, she was gone, leaving him dumbstruck and alone, sitting in the dark.

.

.

.

Via mid-air, rooftops, and tree branches, she escaped. Far away from that obtrusive white mop of hair and those brilliant teal eyes that even in the pitch-black haze could pierce through her force field, right to the heart.

Feeling sick to her stomach, she stopped. Chest heaving and eyes stinging with a threat of pitiful water works, Karin straightened the violet kimono her brother had gotten for her and brushed the leaves and debris from her shihakusho, raking her fingers through her hair as she blinked back her tears, feigning composure until it became real.

With a quick area scan, she found herself in the fifth Rukon district of which she had frequented during the six months prior to her enrollment at the Academy, a familiar air washing over her and blessing her with a sense of reprieve.

"Karin-chan!" Swivelling around, she was met with her friend Misa, a girl she was fairly certain hated her, and two guys of which she was unfamiliarized. "I thought you said you weren't coming!"

"Err…" Upon further observation, Karin realized she had landed on the same street that the restaurant she'd been invited earlier to drink at was located. Shrugging mostly to herself, the dark-haired girl just grinned. "Changed my mind."

"Awesome!" Misa chirped, a smile similar to one Kurosaki Yuzu's spreading across her face and evoking a faint sense of nostalgic warmth in Karin's chest. Putting her arms around her friend enthusiastically, Misa began leading Karin inside. "Come on, I'll buy you a drink."

Projecting a partially forced gleam of appreciation, the lone Kurosaki twin allowed herself to be led to an empty booth near the back, where she slid into the corner for the sake of seclusion from their other three companions as well as the rest of the food-indulgers and bar-goers, letting the rather pleasant, albeit loud, music distract her from her thoughts.

She was soon presented with a tall glass of questionable liquid, of which she didn't bother to examine and wasted no time consuming after clinking her glass with Misa's, the stream of bitter elixir burning down her throat being the only verification she needed as to what it was. The drink was smooth and strong, so when offered another, she accepted. And when her mind began to blur, she continued. She'd exploit any means she had in order to forget what she couldn't handle.

If only for a night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lyrics: High and Dry – Radiohead


	6. such a sweet thing

  _ah, now I don't hardly know her_

_but I think I can love her_

 

Past

 

Once again, Hitsugaya Toushiro found himself in the Living World.

This time, however, he wasn't sent to assist in the Arrancar attacks, nor was he there by the request of his lieutenant to attend a party. No, this time, he was meant to monitor a single human. A single living soul with substantial reiatsu as had been reported. Though, at the current time, he was having difficulty tracing it.

He'd arrived in Karakura the previous morning, searched all day via scaling buildings and venturing to the town's perimeters, even asking for assistance from the dimwit shinigami posted here. But nothing. A total loss.

Now, after a day and a half of looking but not finding, Toushiro wandered about the streets, aimless and in a gigai, taking what he deemed a 'little break'. Sure, he had a time limit, but that limit stretched for several weeks, so he decided it was as good a time as any to do what he was told her didn't do enough of: _laze around._

This proved troublesome, however, as he didn't truly understand the customs these humans had and couldn't for the life of him navigate them on his own, so he mostly found himself loitering on the sidewalks and leaning against the outer walls of restaurants and boutiques, unsure of what to do. He'd been doing this long enough to have completed a day's worth of reports via mobile device, leaving him even more lost and without any means of preoccupation.

It was just as he reluctantly decided to return to Urahara's, where he was meant to reside for the duration of his stay, when he found himself suddenly bombarded with company.

"Toushiro!" A roughly feminine voice called from nearby, halting his precedent. With his hands shoved in his pockets, he turned on his heel to regard the only person it could possibly be, his gaze instantly falling victim to Kurosaki Karin clad in Karakura High's uniform blouse and pleated skirt, her hand held high in the midst of a jovial wave.

He waited there without question, an unfathomable and annoying flutter infiltrating his chest as her undeniably radiant self drew closer.

"Long time no see," she said airily, lips quirking as she crossed her arms over her chest. "What's it been, like, a year?"

"Just about."

She hummed momentarily, as though joining him in his bout of reminiscence for that night just over a year ago. "So uh, whatcha doin' here?" she prompted.

He kept it vague, eyes flickering elsewhere. "Business."

Her brows furrowed, teeth ghosting her bottom lip warily. "'Big Bad' in town again?"

"No," he assured her simply, allowing for her gleeful features to return.

"What are you up to right now, then?"

"...Nothing."

"Cool. We were just heading to the diner around the block, d'you wanna come–" Words hitching, Karin was abruptly stolen from grace, being yanked backwards into a huddle of four teenage boys rather forcefully. Toushiro's eyes narrowed.

"What are you doing, Karin?!" one of them spoke in a hushed whisper, face painted in bewilderment.

"You're friends with this guy?!" another asked.

"Yes," Karin snapped, shooting them all a glare as she regained her bearings. "What of it?"

The one with glasses stammered, throwing a timid glance at Toushiro. "Well, it's just… look at him! The guy _bleaches_ his hair!"

"Yeah, he's like one of those juvenile delinquents or something!"

Karin scoffed. "You guys are being ridiculous."

"But _Karin_ –"

"He's coming with and that's that. Stop being a bunch of wussies." Spinning on her heel to face an unimpressed and visibly bristled Toushiro, Karin grinned, her dark eyes sparkling in the sun.

"Alright," she announced all leader-like, stepping forward and ushering him down the sidewalk, her overbearing friends in tow. "Let's hurry up, I wanna get there before dinner rush."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lyrics: Crimson and Clover – Joan Jett and the Blackhearts


	7. waiting for the moment

_excuse me if I spoke too soon_

_my eyes have always followed you around the room_

 

Present

 

She was a tricky one to trace, her reiatsu being consistently hidden just as well as he could hide his own. Though, even as he kept an eye out, almost constantly in search of her, he wasn't quite sure if he wanted to find her at all. His heart was adamant to, in spite of him, while his mind, calculative and skeptical, was resistant, too busy trying to rebuild the wall of which she'd breached so simply and suddenly it felt beyond repair. Opposing parties warred continuously in his head, leaving him both emotionally and mentally conflicted as he sat day after day feigning composure and filing paperwork.

The days morphed into weeks, adding up relentlessly while his sentiment and mentality continued to battle, and throughout it all, he never saw her. Not once. Not even when he made unnecessary journeys past the Eleventh Division of which she was an official denizen, he never managed to run into her. She remained a ghost, a shadow in the night, and he began to think that was it. That there would be no further interaction between them and he would forever dwell on that little meeting, wondering what could've been if he'd just stop fucking everything up.

And then, as fate would have it, she befriended Matsumoto.

~.~

His focus instantly snapped to the door as it slid open, revealing the subject of his thoughts and the source of his turmoil as she sauntered into his office, elegant as ever. He let his eyes travel her form, noting her modern-esque ensemble appreciatively, and for a moment he felt nostalgic.

"I take it that you like the dress?" Karin presumed moments later, having been aware of his essential ogling even as she picked loose yellow threads from his sofa. She looked at him then, amusement painting her features as he noticeably snapped out of his trance.

Toushiro cleared his throat. "Sure. Though I get the feeling you're less than thrilled to be wearing it."

"Perceptive as always," she commended dryly, the underside of her shoes scuffing the hardwood floor as she paced about, eyes straying elsewhere while she spoke. "It was either this or Rangiku would load my face with makeup, and since I didn't want a repeat of graduation…" She simply gestured to herself, arms falling at her sides.

He gave in to another once over, the faintest smile playing his lips as he met her eyes. "I'm sure your face will appreciate it. Yuzu put so much on you last time I nearly gave you a black-eye taking it off."

"You _did_ give me a black-eye," she corrected bluntly, barely managing a frown, biting back a smile.

Toushiro shrugged, unabashed. "Blame it on the face cloth and soap. Besides, you got your revenge."

There was a mild, almost unnoticeable pause in her actions, eyes lidding with reluctant reminiscence. To him, it felt like time had stopped altogether.

It was hard not to be careless, to not speak in hints and innuendos, trying to somehow bring them back into focus, like they used to be.

She never seemed to appreciate his attempts, though. He tried not to blame her.

The silence between them now was stiff, the air still and suffocating. He cursed himself for being like this, never being able to just let the pleasantries and small talk alone, always trying so desperately to push them farther, deeper. He watched her subtly from then on, as he always did, while she paced about his office calmly, hips swaying as she trailed her fingertips along the binds of books lining his abundant shelves. And although he knew she could feel his eyes, she didn't look at him again. Not even slightly.

He grit his teeth in frustration.

"Sorry I'm late~!" Rangiku chimed in just ten minutes later, abruptly barreling into the office, done up head to toe in makeup and modern clothes. Toushiro figured his lieutenant was sick of kimonos and obi sashes again; it was a common thing since she'd gotten a taste of the living world and it's culture years earlier.

"Oh!" the strawberry blonde exclaimed instantly, a smile spreading from ear to ear once she laid eyes on the young girl skimming through the pages of a randomly chosen book. "You look so pretty, Karin!"

Karin smiled at her wryly, returning the book to its tight place on the shelf. "Thanks."

"And although you don't need it, I really do wish you'd let me–'

"For the thousandth time," Karin interjected, a firmness lining her features. "No makeup."

Rangiku sighed. "Oh, alright. Ready to go then?" Karin merely nodded, making her way over to the door. Rangiku cast her captain a look, and he didn't like the undertone that followed. "You should consider joining us, Taichou."

A scoff sounded from the doorway, and his initial plan to decline was replaced with spite. "Okay," he agreed cooly, challenge painting his features as Karin cast him a bewildered look. "I'll meet you there."

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lyrics: If I Had a Gun... – Noel Gallagher


	8. the potential of you and me

_and I know that you'll find, love_

_I will possess your heart_

 

**Past**

 

They were unsuccessful in getting to the diner before dinner rush as planned, due to slow traffic lights and a rather heated confrontation between Karin and a reckless bicyclist, ultimately dooming them to wait a good forty-five minutes for their food. And throughout this span of time, whilst Toushiro observed the interactions and listened to the conversations between the four teenage boys sitting across the table from Karin and himself, there was one thing that stood out for him, a perplexing question for even his genius mind.

He literally couldn't believe that she actually _hung out_ with these idiots. They barely equaled a complete braincell.

They shot him many suspicious and timid leers as the six of them sat crammed in the half moon booth, an overbearing atmosphere stinging the air around them. It make him curl his knuckles under the table violently until they were completely white and had begun to strain the veins in his wrist.

Beside him, Karin had been sporting a deep and impatient scowl for quite some time, her foot drumming angrily against the linoleum beneath their feet.

"Ugh!" she grunted indignantly, obsidian depths fierce with restless starvation. "This is taking forever!"

He'd begun spreading a sheet of sugar out on the table before him, a distinct lack of interest smoothing out his features. He rolled his eyes at her succinctly. "Well, _maybe_ if you hadn't lashed out at that kid earlier, we would've gotten here sooner and not have had to wait so long."

"Hey," she snapped, shooting him a defensive glare. "That _kid_ almost ran me over."

"Yeah, _almost,_ " he argued bluntly, unaffected by her glower. "And I doubt that strange mode of transportation would've done much harm."

He heard her huff, felt her heated stare on him, and he cast her a simple teasing gleam as he drew his finger through the sheet of pearly white grains artistically. "You were just being irrationally angry, just like your brother."

He clucked his tongue, and she ground her teeth. "Better than being an arrogant asshole like you," she quipped curtly.

" _Me,_ an ' _arrogant asshole'_?" He scoffed, looking at her once more. "I'm a goddamn angel."

"Yeah, angel from hell."

Toushiro smirked, and it resonated in his eyes far too charmingly for her liking. "Better than being a temperamental little human."

She scrunched her face at that, her eyes burning into him irately. Yet she swallowed the many flippant retorts that came to mind, seeing it far more fitting to lean in towards him and blow a gust of air at his masterpiece, causing every grain of sugar to sift off the table and onto his lap.

"C'mon, Pinta," she said authoritatively as she slid out of the booth, ignoring Toushiros glower so effortlessly that it damaged his pride. "Let's go see what's up."

The poor boy was quite prompt to get up and follow her, Toushiro noticed, and once he'd finished glaring at the back of Karin's head and gotten the mess brushed off his lap until every spec was on the floor below, he regarded the three remaining boys of whom were collectively staring at him as if he had two heads.

"What?"

They all shared a look, as if communicating telepathically. He cocked a brow at them impatiently.

"We're just, sorta… impressed." Ryohei said, clearly dumbstruck.

"Yeah," Donny agreed. "None of us ever talk to the Boss that way."

Toushiro's brow furrowed. "'Boss'?" Then, suddenly, it clicked. They were her _minions._ He barely stifled a laugh. "Well… Perhaps it's high time you guys got a backbone."

Their expressions twisted in unmistakable consideration.

"But," Donny started, lowering his voice as though worried she'd appear at any moment. "She's scary!"

Toushiro swallowed his laugh uncomfortably, his smirk broadening into a full fledged and amused grin. "Nah… she's a sweet girl," he said, his tone so flat he was sure they wouldn't catch the sarcasm. "Totally harmless."

"Who's sweet and harmless?"

He swore the three boys trembled at her sudden return.

"I was just telling them about my sister, Momo," he replied casually, as if prepared, and Karin merely nodded, sidling up beside him in the booth once again. "So, what's going on with the food."

"Oh," her features brightened, smile plastering over her face. "They accidentally gave our order to another table. Apparently cheeseburger platters are popular today."

He tilted his head, curious. "And you're smiling _because…?_ "

" _Because,"_ she started matter-of-factly, turning on him theatrically. "They're gonna give us the food for _free._ "

There was a low round of cheers from the four male teens, accompanied by an even wider grin from Karin as though it was all her doing, and not five minutes later they were presented with the proclaimed 'free food'. And, as if they'd been starved for weeks, none of them hesitated to shove the food in their mouths, eliciting a less than refined display of eating.

All except one; the most hungry of them all, who barely consumed a full french-fry before her face had once again twisted in disappointment and disdain, her eyes set in a glare upon the ketchup bottle in her grasp.

" _Ugh."_ She groaned yet again, smacking her palm against the bottom of the bottle aggressively. " _Come. Out._ "

"Karin," Toushiro intervened a moment later, a tinge of ridicule seeping through his muffled-by-food tone. "I believe it's empty."

"Shut up, Toushiro," she spat, slamming the bottle back down on the table. Karin then shot a faintly pleading – mostly domineering – look across the table. "Ryohei, could you go steal a bottle of ketchup from another table for me?"

Ryohei gulped his food down painfully. "Uh…" He cast a quizzical look at Toushiro, of whom merely shook his head, mouthing a 'no'. "No…?" Two white brows rose, teal eyes coercing further assertion. "I mean – No."

Karin looked almost taken aback. "Er… alright," she drawled uncertainly, shifting out of the booth with little delay. "I guess I'll get it myself, then."

There was an air of pride about Ryohei as he resumed eating, such defiance obviously a rare occurrence, and Karin soon returned to Toushiro's side with the much needed ketchup bottle, completely unaware that she'd just lost her loyal minions to a dead person.

.

.

.

The shift in power became apparent roughly a half-hour later as the group of them loitered outside the diner, a scowl etching into Karin's features as she stood almost dutifully beside Toushiro and glowered at her traitorous friends while they bombarded the shinigami captain with questions like a bunch of starry-eyed girls, practically grovelling at his feet like he'd created earth.

She couldn't tell whether he liked the attention or not, given his ever present stoic demeanor, but it wasn't hard to tell when he began running out of answers for them, so for more of her benefit than his she cut her friends off with an abrupt ' _Best be going now! Bye!'_ and began dragging him by the hand down the sidewalk, steadfast towards no destination in particular.

Truthfully, she just wanted to be alone. And she really didn't mind if he was there as well, though she hid that fact behind a facade of apathy, releasing him from her grasp once they'd rounded the corner as if the act of it had been troublesome.

"Guess congratulations are in order," she started sarcastically, scuffing the heels of her sneakers along the concrete, pacing leisurely. Her dark eyes twinkled with blatant mockery as she cast him a look. "You're now the official representative for Karakura's own band of idiots. Not bad for your first day."

"I'm truly honoured," he drawled, rolling his eyes and stuffing his hands in the pockets of his jeans. "And I arrived yesterday."

"Running around town on rooftops all day, unseen by actual people, doesn't count."

"Whatever."

"While were on the subject, why exactly _are_ you here?"

"..."

"What? Is it a top secret mission or something?" She turned her lip up at his utter refrain from answering. "Alright, I get it. You can't tell me, it's not safe for me, blah blah _blah._ "

He wasn't actively _not_ telling her, just deciding not to bother due to it's lack of relevancy in her life. Plus, no matter how small she'd want to help, just like her genetic pool dictates, and he really didn't need that. Kurosakis irked him to no end.

She switched tactics then, lips quirking in a way that made him stare. "Is it safe to assume you'll be sticking around for a while, then?"

"For a while," he confirmed airily, casting his gaze elsewhere disinterestedly.

Karin looked to the ground, chewing her bottom lip as she smiled too broadly. The crisp spring air nipped her legs and ruffled his hair as they walked in a sudden misplaced silence, trekking unhurriedly and aimlessly through the downtown area. She was too caught up in her thoughts to notice the pair of blue eyes watching her like a covetous hawk.

"Do you have to be home soon?" he eventually asked, breaking the lull.

Initially, her eyes darted upwards, regarding the oncoming night with a sense of surprise. When had the sky gotten so pink? "Uh, about an hour ago, actually. Why?"

He stared at her a moment longer, betraying no emotion in his expression, and briskly resumed his step. "Nothing."

Karin frowned skeptically, stalking after him. "What?" she persisted, blocking his path.

"It's late," he avoided offhandedly, swiftly stepping around her. "You have to get home."

"Toushiro!" she fumed, the soles of her sneakers scraping loudly against the cement as she worked to keep in step with him. "Tell me what you were going to say!"

"Have you forgotten that I'm here for a reason, Karin?" he questioned rhetorically, not bothering to entertain her fierce stare. "I don't have time to stand around and argue with you over nothing. So shut up and let me walk you home."

Eyes wide as saucers with incredulity, Karin sputtered, unsure whether to punch an indignant retort into his jaw or commend him for his impeccable douchebaggery. And when he turned to her, raising a brow and radiating arrogance, she chose a third option: stomping away.

Toushiro watched in amusement as she stalked off ahead of him, fists clenched tightly at her sides and skirt flapping furiously about her stocking clad legs, and an almost doting smirk played his lips.

She truly did get angry over the most trivial things.

.

.

.

She'd eventually slowed down, perhaps out of exhaustion, permitting him to keep in step beside her whilst she crossed her arms over her chest, scowling at him out of her peripheral. He didn't bother to hide his amusement, her temper far too comical to deny outward enjoyment, and with this, he only incited further irritation from his female companion. Mostly due to the fact that his little smirk held just the right amount of charm to take it's toll on her growing fondness and causing her anger towards him to falter. Which, of course, made her that much angrier. She couldn't even remember what it was she was offended over, only that whatever it was, he was still, albeit silently, making fun of her for it.

And this became only more blatant when they finally reached her house.

"What?" he called after her from the sidewalk as she wordlessly made her way up the path to her door, his tone sing song and dripping with ridicule. "No goodnight kiss?"

"Get bent!" she spat, slamming the door behind her hard enough to echo about the neighbourhood.

Spinning on his heel, Toushiro began his journey back to Urahara's, a grin plastered deliberately on his face as a sense of anticipation brewed in his chest.

Well, his stay in the Living World wouldn't be boring, that was for sure.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lyrics: I Will Possess Your Heart – Death Cab For Cutie


	9. alone and falling

_I'm falling all over myself_

_trying to be someone else_

 

**Present**

 

She hated herself for wanting him there. It was just a small part, but it was loud, settled in the vacancies of her heart where he used to be and screaming at her vehemently. It made her head hurt, and she felt so completely pathetic for allowing herself to be so attached to him, still, after all this time. The ghastly reality of it all had her finishing her second pitcher of sake before he even got there.

It had to have been nearly an hour later, and she had nearly grown thankful for the possibility that he'd changed his mind, that she'd be able to enjoy her night in peace instead of having to use all her energy to keep her anger towards him stable and potent. Which it was, usually; no matter how much she wanted him she was still irrevocably bitter. But he fucked with her senses, made it hard to keep up with her disdain consistently, and it made her anxious.

The door chimed his entrance, the bell sounding only lightly over the noise of the bar but blaring deafeningly in her ears. Her gaze cast itself towards him before she could help it, and the tendons of her heart swelled uncomfortably. He looked uncertain where he stood, lingering by the door on the other side of the room, his face scrunched in a scowl as though conflicted. Her heart lurched when he turned towards the door not even a minute later, as though he was going to leave, but an exceptionally drunk Rangiku had promptly broken from the crowd and launched herself at him before he could even put his hand on the door.

"Taichou~!" Rangiku sing-songed loudly, wrapping her arms around him in a tight and excited squeeze of a hug. " _Finally_ you're here~!"

"Ugh– _Matsumoto!_ "

His voice resonated in her chest even from a distance, and Karin turned back to her drink dependably, resuming a half-hearted listen to the story Ikkaku had been telling her and Yumichika. She combed her hair back gingerly with her fingers, trying to rid herself of the sweat beading along her forehead. The warm and stuffy air of the bar had finally begun to get to her.

Rangiku plopped down across the table from her only moments later, dragging a stumbling Hisagi along with her, and when she felt an unmistakable presence sidle up beside her, Karin shot the strawberry-blonde a betrayed glare. Couldn't she have picked _her_ side of the table to sit on instead?

 _Conspiracist,_ she thought vindictively.

She visibly bristled when his arm brushed hers while he settled, and she glared into the bottom of her cup as she downed the remains of her drink, wasting no time in getting a refill from the nearest pitcher. Rangiku had instantly gone for more sake as well and began slurring insults at Ikkaku, deliberately interrupting his story telling, and Hisagi instantly shook with laughter, clutching his sides theatrically and causing himself to fall sideways off his seat.

The sound of him hitting the floor silenced the table for a shocked moment, and a low rumble of snickers bubbled up everyone's throats almost instantly, laughter erupting from them all like a chorus. It made the air feel lighter, and Karin let her eyes stray to Hitsugaya, subtly travelling his form as she sipped her drink.

Conversations started up around them again, and she felt the tension in her muscles loosen, the alcohol finally resonating in her veins.

"You certainly took a while," she commented dryly, sparing him a glance as she brought the rim of her glass to her lips again.

He smirked. "What, did you miss me?"

"Like a sword through the stomach."

His eyes gleamed brightly as he looked at her, and she swallowed thickly. A scowl fixed her features, and she grabbed a random pitcher of sake, setting it down in front of him with a careless _thunk,_ the liquid inside swishing about haphazardly.

"Have a drink already. Your sobriety is creeping me out."

"I don't drink."

She scoffed. "Since when?"

"Since I haven't had you around to force me into it."

"Well I'm here now, so…" She set a cup down in front of him then for effect, grinning impishly.

Toushiro sighed tiredly, but there was a quirk left to his lips and her eyes lingered on it for longer than was probably appropriate. She was only able to right herself when Rangiku gasped loudly from across the table, and she retreated into her personal bubble as the blonde heaved her ample cleavage over the wooden surface between them, her eyes wide.

"Taichou is _drinking?_ "

"Not willingly," he said dryly, casting an accusing look at the girl next to him.

"I don't know what you're talking about," Karin muttered innocently, promptly gulping down the rest of her sake.

Rangiku grinned devilishly. "I always knew you were a good influence on him."

Karin smiled wryly to herself. "I try my best."

"I take pride in my sobriety, thanks. You guys should try it."

Rangiku full out bursted with laughter, tears welling in her eyes within moments and streaming mascara down her face, evoking a fit of giggles from Karin. Toushiro frowned at them, sipping his drink gingerly.

Hisagi had appeared to have passed out after he fell and was rather overlooked by the five of them until he suddenly sprouted to his feet, a maniacal grin plastered on his face and making Karin and Rangiku jump in surprise.

"Ran!" he said eagerly, looking at the blonde woman expectantly. "It's that song!"

She stared at him densely. "Wha?"

"Y'know," Hisagi stressed, his eyes widening. " _The song."_

It took her a few beats, but eventually Rangiku perked up excitedly. "Right! The _song!"_

Taking Hisagi's hand as a poor means of balance, the voluptuous woman toppled out of the booth, gleaming brightly as she shot Karin and Toushiro an expectant look. "Come on, guys!"

Karin laughed. "Right. _No."_

"No." Toushiro echoed.

The woman pouted. "But– _please?_ Pretty pretty _please?"_

Karin closed her eyes dismissively, sipping on her drink slowly, and Toushiro followed suit. But unlike Karin, he grew easily tired and annoyed by his lieutenant's unyielding pout.

"She's not gonna let up," he muttered to her. Karin gave him an exhausted look, her eyes dull and defiant. "It's just a couple minutes, just to satisfy her."

Karin closed her eyes bracingly, feeling a disquieted tickle go down her spine as she threw back her drink yet again and slammed the empty cup on the table. "Fine."

Rangiku squealed, clapping her hands happily as the two of them reluctantly got out of the booth and followed her and Hisagi through the crowd of drunken soul reapers and Rukongai citizens, all stumbling around and falling over each other in the act of uncertain dancing. It nearly calmed her nerves, the fact that no one knew what they were doing and were too drunk to pay attention to anyone else. But even so, she could feel her hands start to tremble, and she chewed the inside of her cheek harshly.

A shiver went up her spine once they'd stopped somewhere in the middle of the room, Rangiku's palm tapping lightly against the small of her back and practically pushing her into Hitsugaya. Her cheeks were fast to colour, burning bright and embarrassingly when she caught him looking at her, so kind and unreadable, and she quickly tore her eyes away, staring inattentively over his shoulder as he drew her into him. An annoyance of nostalgia clouded her mind, and she felt lazy in his grasp, one hand cupped against his shoulder like a lifeline as the other laid limply clasped in his.

It reminded her too much of her graduation night, so long ago but feeling like yesterday. The way they'd stumbled around at the after party, happy and drunk and trying at dancing but failing so horribly. It resonated harshly in her chest, and she pressed her mouth into the soft fabric of his shirt desperately, feeling his collarbone against her trembling lips. She hated the moment she was in, how the seemingly unending music thrummed in her ears and struck a well of tears in her dry burning eyes.

Her body stiffened lightly when he dipped his chin, his lips grazing the bare of her shoulder and grating too little on her nerves. It felt nice, and reminiscent, and it hurt. She suddenly felt small against him, both alarmingly safe and painfully uncomfortable, and a lump swelled in her throat. She cursed herself, and she suddenly felt suffocated, swallowing thickly and praying that her words would come out even.

"Do me a favor?" 

"Anything," he whispered too earnestly, and she took a fortifying breath, closing her eyes briefly and basking in one last second of him.

"Don't follow me."

There was a beat of silence before she drew away, hastily losing herself to the crowd as she made her way to the door, and he stood stilled and confused where he was, a pained frown tugging at his lips.

In retrospect, he'd been stupid to expect anything more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been three. fucking. years. Are you guys still there? Guys? ...
> 
> Millions of apologies aside, I'm so fucking glad I actually finally wrote this. For a while I was just overthinking it, and then I hit that wall that I always seem to where I can't focus on the new chapter without rewriting/editing the entire fucking story. So I did, which also took a while because I'm a lazy piece of shit. I finally finished the editing last night tho, and have updated all the chapters. (It's all the same as it was though, just with some sentences taken out, along with an extra scene in chapter 3).
> 
> Anyway, I still only have a vague idea of where this story is really going, but the next few chapters are in my head, and once those are up there'll be another few in my head, so on and so on. I've gotten into actually writing down my ideas and notes and making actual outlines. It's very progressive.
> 
> Hope you liked the chapter! Reviews are always so very much appreciated, even if I don't ever reply to anyone because I'm lazy and socially inept.
> 
> Until next time~
> 
> Lyrics: Heart – The Pretty Reckless


	10. under your spell

_I don't eat, I don't sleep_

_I do nothing but think of you_

 

**Past**

 

"The hell _you_ doin' here?" Jinta sneered, pausing in his chores, a brittle broom held roughly in his hands as he puffed out his chest.

Karin halted in her step and glared at him. It had been just a week before now when she'd gone to the Urahara Shoten to send off her monthly message to Ichigo and had become acutely aware that Hitsugaya was staying there, having caught his resigned frown in passing on her way out. She'd stuttered, and he'd stared, and it had caused a permanent jolt to settle in her chest. She'd been irrevocably drawn to the stupid shop every other day since.

"None of your fucking business," she spat.

"Of course it is, I work here." She gritted her teeth as he sauntered over, a knowing gleam marring his already too annoying and cocky face. " _Live_ here, too. And, to be honest, I can't help but notice you coming around here an unusual lot since a certain shinigami came mooching about."

"I don't know what you're talking about," she replied dismissively, casting her gaze around aimlessly as she tried to drown the embarrassed blush rising in her cheeks. She soon caught the unmistakable form of Hitsugaya high above them, his back to them as he sat perched on the roof, white hair blowing lightly in the wind. Her heart thudded, and all success she might have made in evading her blush flailed away pathetically.

Jinta's eyes followed hers, and he snickered lightly. "Being a Kurosaki must've given you a complex," he commented dryly, turning a patronizing look on her. "You got no shot with him, y'know. Unlike your dad and Kuchiki, he has a high ethical standard. He's not gonna go for a _human._ "

Karin breathed out, rolling her eyes at him pointedly. Like anything this bastard said actually bothered her. "I have a better chance with him than you do with the entire female population. That's enough for me."

His glower bore into her back as she stalked away, her feet leading her around the building where she made her way up to the roof. Hitsugaya didn't even spare her a glance when she plopped down next to him, settling herself on the mass of brittle shingles easily and quietly. The breeze picked up in the silence, and she curled her legs up, wrapping her arms around them as she shivered lightly. She cursed herself for not going home to change clothes, but then she wouldn't have had her 'on my way home from school' excuse.

"Back again."

A tingle crawled up her spine at his voice, so dull and unmoving, and she trained her eyes on her shoes, scuffing the soles against one another distractedly. She'd been sitting on the front porch with Ururu the night before, words hitched uncomfortably in her throat as he'd passed by her without a word and disappeared into the shop, leaving the air rather crisp in his wake. He'd become so unfazed and rejecting of her presence as the days went on, and it was becoming daunting, beating on her nerves and taking her confidence away. She must seem so fucking _eager._

Maybe Jinta had a point.

"We can't be friends, you know." He spoke so surely, like he'd given it quite a bit of thought, and she tightened her grip around her legs. "It's too much of a commitment to have in a world that isn't mine. I'll leave soon enough and I can't have you expecting me to come back."

"Spare me, Toushiro," she said thickly, shooting him a heated look. "I'm not that fucking naive."

But maybe she was.

"I'm not stupid, Karin." His eyes were too soft when they met hers, so aware and sympathetic. It pissed her off.

"You're a presumptuous little shit is what you are," she spat, deliberately making his features grow sharp. "As if I hadn't watched you all pop in and out of my brothers life for _years_ , leaving him high and dry over and over again whenever you had somewhere better to be. Like I thought I'd be any different. I just figured that maybe you'd want some company while you're here. My fucking mistake."

He looked legitimately stunned. "I just thought–'

"You think too much."

He stared at her for a still moment, his jaw clenching and unclenching as if indecisive of what to say. He exhaled a dense breath, resting his head in his hands with a sluggish slump of his body. "Sorry."

She studied him. "You look like shit, by the way."

She swore he laughed. "Thanks," he replied dully, folding his arms over his knees. "This place isn't exactly nurturing to it's guests. I might as well sleep right on the floor given how worn out my futon is."

"Is there nowhere else you can stay?"

"Not since Inoue moved out of town."

Karin chewed her lip thoughtfully, mulling over her words carefully before saying them. "You could always just stay at our place. My dad adores you, so it's not like he'd mind. You can sleep in the den."

"That'd be kinda weird."

"Just a suggestion," she said with a shrug, looking up towards the sky, watching the sun retreat behind the clouds. Her phone chimed then, and she shifted towards her bag, pulling it out of the front pocket and skimming the text message briefly. She sighed. "I gotta go. Yuzu's making a new dish for supper, wants me to be her taste tester."

He barely inclined his head, his eyes cast downward, and she frowned. Springing nimbly to her feet without delay, Karin slung her bag over her shoulder and made a careful trek off the roof. She paused once she was on the ladder, just her head peeking out as she shot him a smile, having garnered his gaze. "Sleep tight."

He stared at the empty space where she'd just been for several engrossed moments, the air feeling significantly colder in lieu of her presence. He scowled to himself then, too much sentiment seeping through and marring his facade.

He would not get attached.

~.~

The fashion channel streamed a competitive reality show about aspiring designers for them as Karin and Yuzu laid huddled on the living room couch, their bodies sluggish as they sunk into the generous cushions and recovered from their dinner, dessert plates sitting half eaten and long forgotten on the coffee table.

Karin snuggled into her blanket, her eyes unfocused and drooping as she stared disinterestedly at the television. Her sister was already asleep, at least lightly napping, wispy snores sounding from her every few minutes. She yearned to follow suit, any and all responsibilities set at the back of her mind, and she let her eyes close for the minute of silence before the doorbell rang through the house, stirring her into reluctant wakefulness.

Dragging herself from the couch, Karin wrapped her blanket around herself and made for the front door, the legs of her too big pajama pants dragging along the floor. She struggled with the locks, forgetting which way they turned in her listless state.

She was slow to react when she finally opened the door to a disheveled and rather bothered looking Toushiro, her throat dry from laying on the couch for hours too long without a drink and making her voice come out cracked. "Toushiro?"

"Urahara was monitoring my brain activity in my sleep. Do you know how creepy it is to wake up with a dozen unconsented electrodes stuck to your head? _Homemade,_ I might add." Karin snickered, sleepy and amused, and Toushiro ran a hand through his hair defeatedly. "Can I stay here?"

Her face twisted into an almost scowl, but her eyes stayed the same, bright and entertained. "Sorry, already gave the room away. Shinigami housing is a very hot market, you know. We get applications all the time."

"Spare me, Karin. I'm tired."

She smirked, swaying slightly to the side to let him through. He lingered uncertainly in the foyer as she locked the door, and he felt too close, both bothered and comfortable at the same time, conflicting emotions blaring against each other as she came up beside him, leading him further into the house and into the den down the hall. Her eyes were too big and kind, her presence so warm and entrancing that it made his head feel thick, drying up his throat.

A dull 'thanks' was all he managed before closing the door on her, shutting himself off.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lyrics: Under Your Spell – Desire


	11. still yours

 

_say silence, just call_

_it's ok, I'd listen to you breathing_  

**Present**

 

She'd eventually found a spot in a field near a lake, venturing far into the Seireitei's walls and plopping down ungracefully from the exhaustion of her night. Her eyes felt puffy even though she'd shed no tears, and she prayed they didn't look as swelled and red as they felt when Rangiku suddenly appeared next to her, settling herself lazily in the grass. Karin turned her head to the side for good measure, exhaling a thick breath. She hadn't even bothered to keep her reiatsu in check.

"All the trouble I went to borrowing that record from Hirako, and you leave before the song is even over. Tsk tsk, Karin-chan."

"That was a mean trick," she muttered against her arm, tightening her hold around her legs. She heard a sigh.

"I thought it would help."

"Well it did the opposite. Perhaps you and Hisagi should brainstorm better."

"I'll bring that up at our next meeting." The blonde grinned humourlessly, her eyes soon setting an expectant stare on the curtain of black hair hiding her friend's face. Karin scowled at the wilted daisy beside her distractedly, suddenly put off by it. It was the only one not in full bloom. "Forgive me?"

"Maybe later."

Folding her arms over her knees, Rangiku studied the stars above them, her features sharp and thoughtful. How she could sober up so easily was baffling. "How long do you plan on staying mad at him?"

"I have yet to set a date." The older woman frowned at her, searing deep and unimpressed, and Karin chewed her bottom lip with a restless quiver. The air was too dry. "However long it takes for his presence not to suffocate me," she relented, quiet and disconcerted.

"Avoiding him the way you do isn't going to help any," Rangiku said, lecturing but soft. "You know why he did what he did, you can just talk to him about it."

"The why is irrelevant." Karin tried not to snap, not to take her anger out on those who don't deserve it, but it was difficult. She nearly always failed. "Especially when it comes from someone who isn't him. He hasn't made any attempt to explain himself on his own, just like he made no attempt to four years ago before he left without so much as a fucking _goodbye._ Which he hasn't even apologized for, by the way. As far as I'm concerned he owes _me_ a talk, not the other way around."

Rangiku exhaled densely, running a hand through her hair as if defeated. "You're both so damn stubborn. It's a wonder you managed to get together at all."

"We weren't together."

"If you say so."

Karin glared, finally gracing the woman with her puffed up eyes. A sad blue-grey stare lingered on her face, studious and intrusive before casting itself to the sky once again, and Rangiku suddenly looked wistful. Karin's features softened guiltily in the heavy silence.

"Just promise you won't wait too long." It was a certain plea, strained and regretful, but Rangiku didn't look at her. For that she was grateful. "I'm not saying you _have_ to forgive him, but you wouldn't be coming around so often if you weren't trying to. So take the time you need, play your games and be stubborn and whatever else you need to be, but don't wait too long. I don't want you to miss your chance like I did."

Karin said nothing, resting her chin on her knees with ensuing silence, her throat suddenly too thick for words. Rangiku bid her goodnight not long after, swaying slightly as she got to her feet and disappeared, the night so stale and dry that Karin barely noticed she was alone again until it no longer mattered. The lieutenant's words resounded in her chest over and over again as she sat stilled and freezing, unrelenting and harsh as they echoed against the walls of her mind, too many emotions bubbling up through her veins and making her head feel dense.

She had no idea what she was doing.

~.~

She was still so stunningly unpredictable, and he wasn't quite sure how to feel when she appeared in the doorway of his office after nearly two weeks of nothing. If anything he went visibly blank.

"Renji ditched me for lunch," she said simply and without pause, holding up a distinctive paper bag from his favourite restaurant. "Hungry?"

She actually waited for a response, and he nearly stuttered in shock. "...I guess."

A smile ghosted her lips, quirking at the corner of her mouth as she made her way into the room and settled herself on the sofa, digging out her food without delay. He made his way over almost hesitantly, feeling tired and groggy from his horrid lack of sleep and therefore wary of whatever ulterior motive she had for visiting him. Nothing was ever on the surface with her.

"Renji's food taste is disgustingly plain, so I apologize in advance."

He grimaced at the notion of what the eccentric redhead preferred to eat, but when he rifled through the bag for his designated food to find his usual order, he shot her a suspicious look. She spared him no further acknowledgement, however, even as he peered at her from the other end of the sofa, fully attentive to her meal and nothing else as she curled her legs up and slumped back into the cushions.

He muttered a thanks, or at least he thought he did, such a peaceful encounter seeming almost surreal and leaving him with no proper concept of reality. He swallowed words with every bite he took, conversations dancing desperately on his tongue but allowed no further. The air was just so friendly, and she was so calm and for once not scowling at him, and he savored every minute of it in lieu of his desire to make it mean something.

Everything else could wait.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lyrics: Say Silence (Heaven and Earth) – Tellison


	12. pulling on your heart

_you can coax the cold right out of me,_

_drape me in your warmth_

 

**Past**

 

"Toushiro?" There was barely an excuse for a knock before the door opened, revealing a bright-eyed Kurosaki Karin with a messy topknot and sweatpants. Toushiro pretended like he hadn't looked. "Me and the guys are going to the field for a bit, wanna come?"

He furrowed his brow as if heavily concentrating, clicking away on his phone without pause. "I can't. I've got work to do."

In the midst of fixing the collar on her jean jacket, Karin groaned. "Oh, c'mon, Toush. Quit being so dull."

"It's kind of what I'm known for," he replied flatly, blatantly self-aware. "Besides, I'm not exactly here for leisure."

She sighed. "So you've said."

He felt his cheeks begin to flush with a faltering resolve as she stared at him, her eyes boring deep with disappointment. He gritted his teeth in order to maintain a straight face.

"Alright, fine, whatever." She rolled her eyes, the very picture of displeased as she turned on her heel. He held his breath. "Have fun ' _working'."_

He closed his eyes once the door clicked shut, a dense exhale escaping him as he tossed his phone to the side and leaned back into the sofa cushions.

When did he become so vulnerable?

~.~

He was on his way back from a short patrol just after sunset, having felt a disturbingly strong spike of spiritual pressure from somewhere in town just a couple hours prior and gone to investigate. He was slumped at the shoulders as though defeated, hopping lazily from streetlamp to streetlamp, mentally crossing yet another worthless no-progress day off the calendar. He was beginning to think this mission was all for not, and had half a mind to simply return to Soul Society and tell the head-taichou to forget about it.

"See you tomorrow!"

Pausing abruptly at the top of a telephone poll, Toushiro cast a sweeping gaze over the street below, his pulse quickening uncomfortably once he caught sight of Karin. She stood alone on the other side of the street, her hand held high as she waved goodbye to one of her friends before they headed into one of the many suburbs this town had to offer.

Of course she was breaking curfew.

A horrid awkwardness came over him as he continued along on his path of streetlamps and telephone polls, headed towards the exact same destination as the girl on the street below yet apparently too spineless to actually walk alongside her. It made him feel sick to his stomach.

His only saving grace was the fact that there were only two blocks left to go, and so he simply treaded a few paces behind, even going so far as to loiter on the roof of the house across the street while she went inside. He consumed himself in a game of Tetris, hoping with every pathetic fiber of his being that when he entered through the front door instead of a window like a civilized person ten minutes later that she'd be in her room or somewhere else easily bypassable.

He met her head on, having just spent a solid thirty seconds closing the door behind him as gingerly as possible only to be pierced with the exact same displeased scowl she'd given him earlier that evening.

"Oh." He swallowed thickly, audibly. He should have used the window. "Hey…"

Lowering a fresh glass of water from her lips, Karin gave him a nod, her arms crossing loosely over her chest. "Hey."

She always looked at him so expectantly, he was never sure how to act in her eyes. He ran a hand through his hair distractedly. "You, uh, have fun at the field?"

"I always do." Her tone was dull as ever, thrumming poignant through the quiet. "I think some creep was following me home, though. Kinda put a damper on my mood."

His mouth went dry. It was stupid of him to think she wouldn't have noticed him, and the way her mouth quirked made him incredibly conscious of that fact.

"You'll really go to any length to avoid me, huh?"

He stammered. "Well… Okay, listen–'

"It's okay, Toushiro, I get it. You don't wanna talk, you don't wanna hang out, you're just here to do your job and go home. No strings. I might've been a little willfully ignorant starting off, but I'm done trying." Her face was painfully void of emotion, her shoulders rising in a half-hearted shrug as she passed him by. "Night."

His lips parted with the promise of words, but he let them fizzle and burn on his tongue. It wasn't like he'd been at all subtle, anyway. He shouldn't be surprised that she'd gotten the message, and if anything he should be pleased. It just made everything easier on him.

Then again, if that were actually true, it wouldn't feel like a needle was pricking his chest with every echo of her footsteps as she went up the stairs, up to her room and away from him.

He breathed out slowly, tiredly. "Shit."

~.~

She didn't even look at him when he entered the kitchen the next morning, completely unfazed as she stuffed her face with rice and eggs, glossing over the textbook in front of her with full attention.

The house was hauntingly quiet.

"Where is everyone?" he asked carefully, glancing around.

She swallowed a grunt with her food. "Yuzu's at early morning cram school, Dad's working a shift at the hospital in the city."

He nodded. "Ah."

The silence beat heavily between them, a solid three minutes passing from the time he sat down across the table from her, idly plucking up the newspaper and pretending he cared, to the moment her chopsticks scraped the bottom of her bowl to garner the last bite, and suddenly she was stuffing her books into her school bag. She guzzled down the rest of her water before dropping her dishes in the sink, paying him absolutely no regard as she stalked out of the room and down the hall to the front door.

"There's a bowl made up for you already," she called back noncommittally.

The door clicked shut a mere moment later, echoing her departure throughout the house and striking his senses assertively. Slapping the newspaper carelessly on the table, Toushiro let out a low hum of a moan, running both hands through his hair as he slumped back in the chair. His eyes stung with the complete lack of sleep he'd managed to get.

He reasoned that it didn't matter, spent all night convincing himself that it wasn't worth it, yet he found himself nearly sprinting out of the house all the same. He stopped only briefly at the gate to collect himself, his pace just two steps less relaxed than usual as he made to catch up with her.

"Karin!"

She came to a slow halt, a curious gleam assuming itself in her wide, dark eyes as she glanced over her shoulder. He assembled his best cocksure smirk, shoving his hands in his pockets and taking up his most casual approach. He'd be damned if he let show his truly brimming eagerness.

He stopped a fair foot away from her. "Mind if I walk you?"

She appeared taken aback, her brow creasing skeptically as she regarded him. His own arched expectantly. "Um…" She bit her lip, glancing down at her shoes. The corner of her mouth twitched with an almost smile. "Okay."

She was damn near beaming, gracing him with a passing grin before continuing on down the sidewalk. And with that, he was surely in too deep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Sometimes I ponder if the past chapters need to happen, and I have to constantly remind myself that they serve an actual purpose, even if some of them are just like this: random sappy fluffy shit. Ugh. It creates a good dynamic in the story at least... right? Whatever I do what I want.
> 
> So thanks for all the kudos and comments and such. They're the best push for motivation a writer can get. The next chapters is nearly done, about like, three-quarters of the way, and I wanted to post it at the same time as this chap but I need to grab a few hours of sleep before I'll have the energy to finish the last scene. Hopefully I'll be able to post it over the next couple days. (hah, remember the last time I said that and didn't update for three years? I promise not to be a tool this time and update soon.)
> 
> Until later~
> 
> Lyrics: Bite by Troye Sivan


	13. all the wrong things

_there is no weight that can bury us_

_beneath the ghosts of all my guilt_

 

**Present**

 

She was picking loose threads from his sofa again, her back sunk far into the worn out yellow cushions as she stared at the ceiling. It crossed her mind more than once the possibility that she may be coming around the tenth's barracks a little too often, hanging around this office, this couch, _him,_ a little too much. Even the sound of his pen scratching along parchment was becoming soothing, like rain or the way her sister hummed while she cooked.

It made her sick to her stomach when she thought about it, a certain forlorn emotion creeping in and consuming her whole. She honestly couldn't tell whether she actually liked being around him and was finally getting over everything that happened, or if she just enjoyed torturing herself.

She'd go with masochism.

"Does it feel warm to you?" she asked out of the blue, calling over the slouching wall of sofa cushions to him. He sat at his desk like usual.

"No, I think that's just the quart of liquor you drank messing up your system."

Karin puffed her cheeks, feeling stubborn. So maybe she'd had a few too many takes from her bottle of sake since she got there, but only to drown out all the unsettling thoughts invading her mind every other minute. She gave herself too much time to reflect.

"Do you ever _stop_ working?" she droned, sitting up with weak inebriated limbs and draping herself over the back of the sofa. Toushiro's pen didn't even pause.

"You're here often enough to know the answer to that," he said idly.

She frowned. "I'm not here that much."

"Really?" He gave her a look she wasn't sure she liked, a brow raised with impending argument. "The fact that Ikkaku felt the need to seek me out the other day and ask if you'd somehow 'died again' kinda indicates otherwise."

Karin scrunched up her nose, scowling at the floor. "Dumbass Ikkaku…"

"You should really try and spend more time in your own division," he lectured, flexing his fingers with a practiced flick of his wrist before starting on a new report. "For the sake of camaraderie and all that."

"But they're so _loud._ "

He laughed. "Well, yeah. They're the most violent group of people we have."

Karin just groaned, dunking her face into the cushions dramatically. The scratch of his pen persisted, yet she could practically hear him smirk, feel the shake of his head like a change in the wind, and finally it got to her, grating on her nerves.

"Oh my _God._ " She raised her head to make a face, piercing him with a perturbed and pleading glare. "Will you _please_ stop doing your stupid fucking paperwork and pay attention to me? I'm withering away over here. Drinking _alone,_ I might add."

"I'm talking to you, aren't I?

She pouted. "Can't we, like, go for a walk? Or play a game. _Eat,_ even. Just something remotely fun for once?"

He sighed. "I can't–'

"Come _on,_ Toushiro," she moaned. "Quit being so dull."

The grip on his pen slackened, and he blinked at her. An uneasiness crept up his spine as her words rolled around in his mind, impeding his senses. She furrowed her brow in prompt wariness of his stare, her bottom lip jutting out in a discomfited frown.

"Why are you looking at me like that?"

"Er– What?" He cleared his throat dazedly, eyelids fluttering as if just learning how to blink. "How?"

"I dunno. You're being weird." She seemed to consider him then, leaning back slightly. She looked disappointed. "Maybe I'll just go, let you work in peace."

He felt baited as she drew back, making for departure and giving his heart a start.

"N-No, wait." Well, that was eager. But he supposed that's what he was. "I'll, uh, take a break."

She paused just midway off the sofa, and it was as though she'd mustered all the doubt in the universe into one simple arch of her brow. Her lips pursed and curled at the corners as if stifling a laugh.

He dropped his pen on the desk for effect, standing casually from his chair and making his way over to her. "Just a short break," he reiterated, speaking mostly to himself.

"Wow," Karin breathed densely, her expression that of genuine surprise as she settled back into the sofa. "I really must be drunk."

"Aren't you usually?" He questioned bluntly, plucking the bottle of sake from its place on the floor as he settled beside her on the sofa. She shoved him promptly in the shoulder.

"I have a lot of downtime lately, okay."

"So I've noticed." He took an almost reluctant swig of sake, his face distorting in a horridly chagrined manner as he gulped it down. "Ugh. How do you drink so much of this? It's bloody awful."

Karin huffed, snatching the bottle from him as though personally offended by his comment. "You used to be so fun."

"Was I?" He smirked, and she stuck out her tongue. "Nah, I think your memory's just skewed."

"Clearly." She took a sip of sake then, her eyes closed and leaving her ignorant to him watching her.

"Can I ask you something?"

"You can try."

He hesitated, something he nearly never did, and suddenly she felt too close.

"Why are you hanging around so much lately?" She froze, staring owlishly at the wall ahead. Her grip on the bottle in her hands tightened. "Not that I mind," he amended quickly, looking at her carefully. "It's just your whole hot and cold thing is starting to give me whiplash."

Karin shifted uncomfortably, glaring into the darkness of the bottle sitting in her lap as if suddenly having an existential crisis. _Don't do this now,_ she chided herself mentally, biting down on the inside of her cheek.

"Don't think it has anything to do with you." she snapped, though her tone lacked the proper fire. She looked to the side aimlessly, worn yellow fibers reflecting in her dark glare. "I just come here for the couch."

"Ah, right. _The couch._ " He gave the piece of furniture a once over, frowning inherently. "What's left of it, anyway. You've really picked this thing apart."

"It's called _grooming,_ " she argued. Toushiro rolled his eyes. "I dunno, it's cozy. There's not really any comfy furniture at the barracks. Kenpachi says it would encourage weakness and slack."

"Well, that partly explains why you Eleventh guys are so angry." Karin smiled wryly, barely looking at him. "I'm sure Rukia has more than enough comfy furniture in her office," he added thoughtfully. "Hell, you could make a bed out of her collection of stuffed Chappy's if you wanted to."

"Yeah, but Ichigo's always there."

"He _is_ her lieutenant."

"He's _also_ an over-protective pest," she snapped, nostrils flaring in a huff. "All he does when I'm there is hover around like a fucking tool, making stupid small talk even though it's so obvious he's just waiting for me to shatter like I'm some cracked tea cup."

"Well, to be fair, you did die."

"Did I? I wasn't aware." He made a face, and she cast him a steely glare, bristling from head to toe. "Trust me, I can still recall in _vivid_ memory how that stupid bus crashed into me and tore my bloody bones apart. I'm very fucking aware, and it'd be nice if everyone just took my word for it when I say I'm over it and stop treating me like some grieving damsel in distress."

He appeared lost on her, literally gawking. "You were hit by a bus? That's how you died?"

"Pretty anticlimactic, huh?" She flashed an empty smile, looking away from him quickly when she caught how pathetically sad she looked in his eyes. She shrugged indifferently. "Some stupid guy was crossing the street before he was supposed to, the traffic wasn't stopping, so I had a heroic moment." She laughed. "Go me."

"That's…" He drifted off, his expression rather blank. "I'm sorry, Karin."

She closed her eyes, squeezing them tight. "You don't have to–'

"No, no. It's not fair that that happened to you."

Her shoulder rose half-heartedly, her vision blotched and blurry when she opened her eyes again. "They say the good ones die young, right?"

"You weren't supposed to." His voice was too tender then, eyes too soft, his full regard of her sucking the oxygen from the room. She felt her lungs convulse. "Why didn't you tell me before?"

Karin made a face, cutting him a sidelong look. "You asked me if I _killed myself,_ Toushiro. Like I hadn't spent weeks talking your ear off about college and my career plans. Right after you claimed to have not forgotten anything, funnily enough."

"Right…" His face twisted guiltily. "Sorry about that."

"You're really on a roll with those, aren't you?" she teased, desperate to lighten the air.

"I'm not totally ignorant," he vouched flatly. "I know I've been an asshole from time to time."

She gasped, blaringly dramatic. "He admits it!" Toushiro simply rolled his eyes, sinking back into the cushions. The space between them was nearly nonexistent. "Though, 'time to time' is putting it rather lightly."

"Don't exaggerate."

She scoffed lightly. "You don't self-reflect much, do you?"

"Are you kidding? It's all I do." He was staring pensively at the ceiling, appearing suddenly and wholly exhausted. She'd chanced a peek at him, and would easily admit his look of rare vulnerability comforted her. "I did feel bad, you know," he said after a few beats, brimming with candor. "I'm not made of stone."

"Could've fooled me."

"Well it's not like you're all warm and cuddly, either," he said sardonically, giving her a pointed look. He smiled at her as if in admiration. "I did miss you, though."

Karin chewed the inside of her cheek distractedly, uncapping the bottle of sake once again and bringing it to her lips for a severely long drag. She truly hated the way he looked at her sometimes, the way in which his eyes gleamed having the cruel ability to still, after all this time, turn her back into the blushing idiot of a teenager she'd adamantly deny she ever was.

She hoped her clear inebriation was a good enough cover for the flush of her cheeks.

"I'm not gonna say I missed you too, if that's what you think."

"Of course not," he said, jarringly cryptic. "Though I'm pretty sure I see you more often than my lieutenant, so if you want to come off like you're over me you're doing a piss poor job at it."

Karin reeled back, blinking wildly. A glower overcame her inherently. "Can you be anymore high on yourself?" she bit out harshly, lips cutting a snarl. "I was over you _years ago_ , Toushiro."

"How come you're here so much, then?"

"I already told you."

"You lied."

"Fuck you, I did not."

He shrugged. "Half truths, then. Same difference."

She brought her hand to her forehead, dragging her fingers along the side of her face bracingly. "I'm too drunk for this," she murmured tiredly, leaving her nearly empty bottle of sake lay on the sofa as she bounded upright, wobbling only slightly.

"And so you're leaving. Of course." Toushiro stood then as well, his patience cast to oblivion. She couldn't have staggered away fast enough. "God forbid you actually stick around and have an honest conversation with me for once."

Karin stopped, her body going rigid as she turned back around. She heaved a low caustic laugh. "Are you serious?" She gaped at him incredulously. " _You're_ the one that fucked up, okay. Not me."

"Really, we're still on this?"

"Until you actually apologize, yeah, we are."

He groaned, snaking a hand through his hair irritably. "I _have–_ '

"No you haven't!" she damn near shrieked, straining against the lump forming deep in her throat. He nearly winced. "All this time you've just been acting like nothing's even wrong, like if you ignore it long enough it's just gonna go away. Acting like _I'm_ so fucking jaded for still being upset. You've always done this."

"I did what I thought I had to do, okay? As far as I'm concerned I did you a favour."

"A _favour?_ " She scoffed, piercing him with the full weight of all her bottled heartbreak. It was too intense even for her. "What, like making me fall in love with you and then disappearing like a fucking ghost? Not even Urahara knew what happened and he knows everything. _God,_ for days I thought you died. Again."

Toushiro stammered, jolting his height as his shoulders sagged. "I panicked a bit, okay. I didn't know what to do, and yeah, maybe I choose the worst option. But I've been trying to make it up to you."

She refused to hear the sincerity in his words, the desperation for her to meet him halfway, and it showed in the stubborn shake of her head.

"Don't pretend like you're doing any of this for me, Toushiro. It is about you, and it is  _always_ about _you._ What you want, and what you need, and really all it is is you wanting to feel better about yourself."

He breathed out, closing his eyes. "Karin–'

"You never gave two shits about me," she bit out, cutting him off. Her voice was painfully cracked, her eyes long since burning with a well of adamantly blinked back tears, and she stepped back. She went for the door before he could even part his lips for a response, sliding it open so harshly it slammed back from the force and nearly closed itself again.

She nearly ran straight into Rangiku, the strawberry-blonde standing just outside the door for god knows how long. Karin didn't even want to think about it. She barely looked the woman in the eye, brushing past her in a desperate haste and rushing down the hallway.

Toushiro was still standing when Rangiku slid the door open gingerly, his back to her as he gripped the back of his neck with both hands until his knuckles went white. She leaned against the wooden arch with her arms crossed over her chest, a frown fixing her face.

He felt her eyes on him as he sat down on the sofa, hunched over as he snaked his hands in his hair, and with grit teeth he ignored her judgement.

The term  _selfish_ roared in his head.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fuck, that was hard to write. So much dialogue, so much importance. It was literally exhausting. But anyway, I have the next few chapters in my head, so they should hopefully be up in a timely-ish fashion, and in the meantime I hope everyone enjoys this update and feels compelled to review. Until next time~
> 
> Lyrics: Dark Side Of Me – Coheed and Cambria


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